LIFE AS A MAN ( www.michaelsamsel.com )

Leading a Satisfying Life as a Man

Many men lack satisfaction and a feeling of ease and success in relationships. However, these men tend to rule out therapy. I believe this initial instinct, unfortunately, has some reasonable basis. Much therapy today simplistically tries to get everyone to get along by being 'nice'. The 'sensitivity' that some therapists encourage is really just tip-toeing around strong feeling. But this is really insensitivity to one's own sensation and perception and feeling.
But in my work, I encourage strong, true feeling, not artificial niceness. I especially encourage it for men, who I believe have a very difficult time being themselves in today's society. Not all but some 'anger problems' stem from the frustrations that come from trying to make an impossible and unnatural role work. The rest of this page describes, very briefly, some ideas about obstacles men find to satisfaction. The rest of the website describes more broadly how I work with clients to help develop the foundations of satisfaction. This is not a 'zero-sum' proposition. Men do not thrive at the cost of women--women are both benefited and excited by men who are doing well.

Gender Behavior

It used to be taken for granted that mature men, in general, had ways of behaving and experiencing that were different, in general, from mature women. This was based on everyday observation. This belief was not meant to limit any naturally arising behavior from anyone. However most modern societies have had male privilege which has limited the options of women. Part of the way in which women were limited was through gender roles, which limited everyone but women in particular. When feminism rightfully opposed male privilege, perhaps the baby got thrown out with the bath water. Gender behavior was said to be imposed by society, just as were gender roles, and both were said to be wrong.

But gender behavior, like anything naturally occurring, cannot be abolished. It can only be suppressed and distorted. What perhaps happened instead is that another, all-inclusive gender role was imposed that was unnaturally organized around uniformity as a stand in for equality. In this role, women had to be more like men and men had to be more like women, whatever the nature involved. Any role expected of a person limits them. Many men were set into opposition to their own nature.

The Crucible

This pressure for men to repress naturally-occuring behavior that might cause offense, in some families joined together with parenting that left boys with the belief that they must please their parents. This could be because the parents directly insisted on being pleased, or the parents were simply unhappy, which always leaves children with the feeling that they must make the parent happy.

This type of socialization and family life together help develop a pattern that thwarts pleasure, thwarts confidence, thwarts natural behavior, thwarts physical co-ordination, thwarts relationships, thwarts sexuality and leads to exhaustion. We can call this the 'Nice Guy' pattern.

'Nice Guy' Pattern

The phrase 'nice guy' describes the intentions of a man with this pattern completely, but it describes the results of that man very incompletely. Nice guys often seethe with rage and resentment, and sometimes even put others off. That is because the nice guy image is unnatural, and nature will rebel in some way, even if not a very useful or satisfying way. A 'Nice guy' is a man who for instance spends a lot of time:

• Seeking the approval of others, because he believes that love and good feeling will follow approval. In fact the approval system either has nothing to do with love and attraction or tends to squelch it.
• Hiding his mistakes and anything he believes may be disliked, because he believes that love and attraction come from leaving the other person nothing to criticize. In fact this leads to being seen as secretive, unavailable and dishonest.
• Putting other people's needs and wants before his own, because he believes this is earning him love and placing others in a position where they cannot refuse. In fact this makes him appear alternatively a doormat and entitled, and a lot of trouble for others to deal with. He frequently cannot follow through with all he promises, and is experienced by others as not really helpful despite his intentions. He may even end up pushing onto others things they really do not want.
• Feeling controlled by others, because he believes he must slave away constantly to manage other peoples responses. In fact this makes him appear to be ( or actually act as ) a control freak. It is his own belief system that is limiting him, not other people.
• Avoiding 'male' activities' and the company of men because he believes that masculine behavior and sentiments will cause him to be rejected by women. He probably also believes that men will humiliate him because he feels humiliated already by women.
• Presenting himself as non-sexual in situations where he most wants sex because he believes his sexuality will cause him to be rejected. This works strongly against attraction, and often leaves him investing a lot of time, effort and hope for sex in a relationship the other person, for whatever reason, really does not want to be sexual. Hurt on both sides is almost inevitable.
• Not taking a stand in conflicts, because he believes that others will reject him. In fact he frustrates others because nothing can be resolved, and if he goes along with others, it is without conviction and half-heartedly, or he may undermine the undertaking because he did not agree really and the differences had no chance to get worked out.

Work with a 'nice guy' pattern is more than coaching to become 'more manly' in a role. That is just more performing and based still on the idea of pleasing. Rather, what is helpful is work to allow more natural and satisfying behavior to emerge. Like all basic conditioning, the nice guy pattern has roots in the autonomic nervous system and cannot be changed by ideas alone, but only over time by practicing something different. Recovery from a nice-guy pattern inevitably leads to a consideration of masculinity, but that is too involved a discussion to fit the scope of this page.

Whiny Little Boy

The 'whiny little boy' is the pattern of complaining to your woman about your woman as if your woman was also your mother and supposed to take care of it for you. She can certainly not respond to this--there are too many paradoxes. In situation comedies, husbands are often depicted as being permanently whiny boys.
If a man is emotionally dependent or dominated by his woman, complaining at times about the costs of this may have a role in increasing awareness of the costs of being dependent. In the absence of actually becoming more independant, however, steady whining this just creates unnecessary friction and keeps the woman even more involved in the mothering role. Most attempts to break out of a nice-guy pattern usually start with becoming a 'whiny little boy.' This is not a foundation for change.
Most women have an innate tendency to mother anybody that acts like they need it. This is not a drive for power, it is the basic goodness of the feminine. Women will not try to mother an adult male. Most men, however, have trouble acting fully adult because widespread social pressure leads them to suppress the masculine. So they end up as super-responsible pre-pubescent boys. As super-responsible boys, they can fit into many workroles but they have trouble relating to adult women sexually and as equals.
Women have widespread pressure to suppress some of the feminine but not the mothering. Mothering becomes a safe way to relate. Hence adult women tend to couple with responsible males but without any decision to do so end up mothering them. This is a dominant role, just as mothers naturally dominate children.
There is always great tension between a mother and a son reaching puberty. The boy has to push the mother away in order to develop innate masculine traits unimpeded. In doing this he often pushes away greater experience and knowledge and suffers an increase in bad results but this is healthy development in the long run. In pushing away from the mother what works is not 'whining' but spending time in the world and with adult men.
Generally, only a man (but certainly not every adult male) can teach being a man. A woman can teach a boy being a good citizen, but everyone will teach others to be like themselves. A woman will attempt teach a post-pubescent boy, without realizing it, to be a 'little mother', but the boy will usually not make a good 'woman.' In areas where fathers are absent, street gangs fill in the role, because depraved as they are, they accomodate masculine goals.http://www.michaelsamsel.com/Content/Men/mens_issues.html