Anger vs. Rage (www.michaelsamsel.com)

Rage	True Anger
Is associated with muscle tension, pounding heart, rapid and shallow breathing, pale skin, tunnel vision, and less coherent memory (sympathetic nervous system activation)	Is associated with even smooth movement, deeper breathing, warm feeling in the skin, focused vision, and clear memory (parasympathetic nervous system activation)
Is usually a response to a threat to our self-image or our power	A healing and protective response to a threat to our physical or emotional integrity
Is out of proportion to the provocation	Is in proportion to the provocation
Persists long after the provocation ends. (Once adrenaline hits the bloodstream, its effects persist for 1-2 hours. Muscle tension also, without practice, cannot be reversed quickly)	Subsides quickly once the provocation ends. (This is a quality of the parasympathetic system)
Is meant to silence the other	Is meant to communicate with the other
Rage	True Anger
Blames the other for what one feels	Takes responsibility for this feeling as one's own
Is a last ditch effort to maintain control when other controlling tactics seem to be failing	Wants to engage the other person but not control them
Frightens the hearer	Informs the hearer and creates attention in the hearer
Is violent, aggressive, out of control, derisive, punitive	Is non-violent, always in control, and within safe limits
Represses the true feeling	Expresses an assertive response
Rage	True Anger
Is a strategy that makes a demand that the other change	Asks for change but understands it is up to the other to change or not
Tramples the other person’s feelings	Is meant to draw out the other person’s feelings
Creates stress because one's fear and defensiveness lock up energy	Releases the aliveness in one's true self
Is held onto and endures as resentment	Is brief and then let go of with a sense of pleasure
Insists the other see how justified one is	Needs no specific response. All responses are information
Based on a refusal to accept what has happened, and a denial of one’s present ability to make choices	Based on acceptance of what has happened and sees anger as part of one’s ability to make choices

LIFE AS A MAN ( www.michaelsamsel.com )

Leading a Satisfying Life as a Man

Many men lack satisfaction and a feeling of ease and success in relationships. However, these men tend to rule out therapy. I believe this initial instinct, unfortunately, has some reasonable basis. Much therapy today simplistically tries to get everyone to get along by being 'nice'. The 'sensitivity' that some therapists encourage is really just tip-toeing around strong feeling. But this is really insensitivity to one's own sensation and perception and feeling.
But in my work, I encourage strong, true feeling, not artificial niceness. I especially encourage it for men, who I believe have a very difficult time being themselves in today's society. Not all but some 'anger problems' stem from the frustrations that come from trying to make an impossible and unnatural role work. The rest of this page describes, very briefly, some ideas about obstacles men find to satisfaction. The rest of the website describes more broadly how I work with clients to help develop the foundations of satisfaction. This is not a 'zero-sum' proposition. Men do not thrive at the cost of women--women are both benefited and excited by men who are doing well.

Gender Behavior

It used to be taken for granted that mature men, in general, had ways of behaving and experiencing that were different, in general, from mature women. This was based on everyday observation. This belief was not meant to limit any naturally arising behavior from anyone. However most modern societies have had male privilege which has limited the options of women. Part of the way in which women were limited was through gender roles, which limited everyone but women in particular. When feminism rightfully opposed male privilege, perhaps the baby got thrown out with the bath water. Gender behavior was said to be imposed by society, just as were gender roles, and both were said to be wrong.

But gender behavior, like anything naturally occurring, cannot be abolished. It can only be suppressed and distorted. What perhaps happened instead is that another, all-inclusive gender role was imposed that was unnaturally organized around uniformity as a stand in for equality. In this role, women had to be more like men and men had to be more like women, whatever the nature involved. Any role expected of a person limits them. Many men were set into opposition to their own nature.

The Crucible

This pressure for men to repress naturally-occuring behavior that might cause offense, in some families joined together with parenting that left boys with the belief that they must please their parents. This could be because the parents directly insisted on being pleased, or the parents were simply unhappy, which always leaves children with the feeling that they must make the parent happy.

This type of socialization and family life together help develop a pattern that thwarts pleasure, thwarts confidence, thwarts natural behavior, thwarts physical co-ordination, thwarts relationships, thwarts sexuality and leads to exhaustion. We can call this the 'Nice Guy' pattern.

'Nice Guy' Pattern

The phrase 'nice guy' describes the intentions of a man with this pattern completely, but it describes the results of that man very incompletely. Nice guys often seethe with rage and resentment, and sometimes even put others off. That is because the nice guy image is unnatural, and nature will rebel in some way, even if not a very useful or satisfying way. A 'Nice guy' is a man who for instance spends a lot of time:

• Seeking the approval of others, because he believes that love and good feeling will follow approval. In fact the approval system either has nothing to do with love and attraction or tends to squelch it.
• Hiding his mistakes and anything he believes may be disliked, because he believes that love and attraction come from leaving the other person nothing to criticize. In fact this leads to being seen as secretive, unavailable and dishonest.
• Putting other people's needs and wants before his own, because he believes this is earning him love and placing others in a position where they cannot refuse. In fact this makes him appear alternatively a doormat and entitled, and a lot of trouble for others to deal with. He frequently cannot follow through with all he promises, and is experienced by others as not really helpful despite his intentions. He may even end up pushing onto others things they really do not want.
• Feeling controlled by others, because he believes he must slave away constantly to manage other peoples responses. In fact this makes him appear to be ( or actually act as ) a control freak. It is his own belief system that is limiting him, not other people.
• Avoiding 'male' activities' and the company of men because he believes that masculine behavior and sentiments will cause him to be rejected by women. He probably also believes that men will humiliate him because he feels humiliated already by women.
• Presenting himself as non-sexual in situations where he most wants sex because he believes his sexuality will cause him to be rejected. This works strongly against attraction, and often leaves him investing a lot of time, effort and hope for sex in a relationship the other person, for whatever reason, really does not want to be sexual. Hurt on both sides is almost inevitable.
• Not taking a stand in conflicts, because he believes that others will reject him. In fact he frustrates others because nothing can be resolved, and if he goes along with others, it is without conviction and half-heartedly, or he may undermine the undertaking because he did not agree really and the differences had no chance to get worked out.

Work with a 'nice guy' pattern is more than coaching to become 'more manly' in a role. That is just more performing and based still on the idea of pleasing. Rather, what is helpful is work to allow more natural and satisfying behavior to emerge. Like all basic conditioning, the nice guy pattern has roots in the autonomic nervous system and cannot be changed by ideas alone, but only over time by practicing something different. Recovery from a nice-guy pattern inevitably leads to a consideration of masculinity, but that is too involved a discussion to fit the scope of this page.

Whiny Little Boy

The 'whiny little boy' is the pattern of complaining to your woman about your woman as if your woman was also your mother and supposed to take care of it for you. She can certainly not respond to this--there are too many paradoxes. In situation comedies, husbands are often depicted as being permanently whiny boys.
If a man is emotionally dependent or dominated by his woman, complaining at times about the costs of this may have a role in increasing awareness of the costs of being dependent. In the absence of actually becoming more independant, however, steady whining this just creates unnecessary friction and keeps the woman even more involved in the mothering role. Most attempts to break out of a nice-guy pattern usually start with becoming a 'whiny little boy.' This is not a foundation for change.
Most women have an innate tendency to mother anybody that acts like they need it. This is not a drive for power, it is the basic goodness of the feminine. Women will not try to mother an adult male. Most men, however, have trouble acting fully adult because widespread social pressure leads them to suppress the masculine. So they end up as super-responsible pre-pubescent boys. As super-responsible boys, they can fit into many workroles but they have trouble relating to adult women sexually and as equals.
Women have widespread pressure to suppress some of the feminine but not the mothering. Mothering becomes a safe way to relate. Hence adult women tend to couple with responsible males but without any decision to do so end up mothering them. This is a dominant role, just as mothers naturally dominate children.
There is always great tension between a mother and a son reaching puberty. The boy has to push the mother away in order to develop innate masculine traits unimpeded. In doing this he often pushes away greater experience and knowledge and suffers an increase in bad results but this is healthy development in the long run. In pushing away from the mother what works is not 'whining' but spending time in the world and with adult men.
Generally, only a man (but certainly not every adult male) can teach being a man. A woman can teach a boy being a good citizen, but everyone will teach others to be like themselves. A woman will attempt teach a post-pubescent boy, without realizing it, to be a 'little mother', but the boy will usually not make a good 'woman.' In areas where fathers are absent, street gangs fill in the role, because depraved as they are, they accomodate masculine goals.http://www.michaelsamsel.com/Content/Men/mens_issues.html

NARCISSISM (www.michaelsamsel.com)

Narcissism as 'Difficult Behavior'

A broad definition of narcissism, used in therapy, is that it is a pattern of behavior in which self-image is put before the true self. Because the true self is based on feeling, this puts narcissism at war with feelings, one's own feelings and the feelings of others.
A more practical, but still broad, definition for everyday affairs is that narcissism is organizing one's life around the goal of being superior. All other goals in life become subservient to this larger goal. So for instance, one could have a goal of service to others and self-denial. But with narcissism, one seeks to be superior to others in this goal. Narcissism at this level is basic in our culture, and in many groups is considered, despite abysmal results, a proper principle of living.
Superiority is not just about learning to do one or more things well, it is about hiding any evidence of imperfection in other areas. It is this 'war with the evidence of being human' that causes much social, parenting, and relationship friction.
However, there is a important distinction to be made between persons who want to be superior, and those who believe they actually are. This latter type, sometimes called a 'pathological narcissist.' has the inability to feel other people as separate from oneself. Instead, the narcissist perceives only a reflection of his or her needs and desires.
Pathological narcissism has a deserved reputation for hurting people in its path. Narcissism is a lot easier to see going than coming. That is, it is always very exciting and positive to interact with a person with narcissism in the beginning. This is not just being fooled, people with narcissism often provide a dazzle that could be an element of any satisfying relationship, but the other ingredients that one assumes will also be coming do not materialize. After all, first meetings are never ones in which accountability is expected. But as time goes on, one feels one has been cheated. Therefore a pertinent question in living is how to protect oneself from pathological narcissism. (By the way, anyone with narcissism, besides the limitation that imposes, can be hurt by the narcissism of others)
Familiarity with narcissism, either forced or voluntary, usually leads to the knowledge that narcissism is a tough difficult husk around a tender hurt core. But trying only to address the hurt part, as if the problematical part didn't exist has always failed. Empathy is only possible from a position of safety, and never from a position of naivety.
In a way, the damaging element of narcissism is its consistency. Everyone is defensive, unempathetic, conceited, and self-absorbed at times. But with narcissism the defense is so uniformly present, that chances to repair and re-balance relationships never occur. Slowly, the transactions of narcissism become 'normal,' and the effects on other continue insidiously.
A narcissist has an internal locus of control but externalizes responsibility. Stated another way, he or she internalizes credit and externalizes blame. This combination dominates relationships. The narcissist will not style him- or herself a helpless victim, rather he or she will imply that they are victimized by the incompetence or malfeasance of others, and defend his or her aggressive actions as 'setting things right.'
Keeping one's sanity and integrity in the face of narcissism consists of two tiers. The first tier is to keep narcissism and narcissistically traited people at arm's length in casual or 'accidental' relationships. This requires at least recognizing it. This can come both from recognizing behavior in the narcissist, but also more importantly, recognizing how you are affected by this person. This is appropriate for business relationships, casual relationships, authority figures, and distant relatives. In arm's length transactions, everything is spelled or or specified. Nothing is left to work out as one goes along.
The second tier of defense entails learning to skillfully interact with the narcissist. This unfortunately requires a way of communication that is not optimal for other relationships. It is a special skill set, and is not magic by any means. Learning these skills may make sense if one has to interact closely, such as in therapeutic relationships, marriage, or co-parenting arrangements.
At this point, it may be of value to discuss briefly another difficult personality style, psychopathy. There is some over-lap between narcissism and psychopathy, but they are not the same. Psychopathy is composed of strong vitality and self-interest and a functional lack of feeling. That is, unlike narcissism, where feeling is denied but continues to have some sort of 'shadow' or 'reactive' effect, in psychopathy, the person is 'freed' from any guidance function of emotions. In psychopathy dominance and getting one's way are paramount, and how one is viewed by others is not important for its own sake, but only as a tool. Psychopaths are most upset by not getting their way, while narcissists are most upset by being devalued or ignored. Narcissism can be present with depression or 'collapsed states, while this never happens with psychopathy. But psychopathy and narcissism may occur together and form 'malignant narcissism', which is the florid form of narcissism most recognized (and feared) in popular culture. Psychopathy has both psychological and biological elements, as elaborated in this page from my larger website on character analysis.
Defining narcissism concisely yet comprehensively is difficult because it interacts with other personality aspects. Vanity and grandiosity are commonly recognized aspects but they are too simple to define it, and are not always present. There are many strains and different intensities. Some narcissism is deeply structured into personality during development, and some is just learned behavior from early experience. The latter is the least tenacious. Yet from the outside, or 'receiving end' there are several common elements.

Common 'Problem' Behaviors in Narcissism

• Disattention Intolerance This term is meant to describe the well-known 'need for attention' but it also includes the disruptive behavior that happens when attention is directed elsewhere than the narcissist. Narcissists hate being interrupted but are big interrupters themselves.
• Criticism Intolerance A narcissist will not just reject or dislike the content of the criticism, he or she will experience the very act of criticizing as an offense. It is common for him or her to escalate immediately and lash out in the face of it, or pretend it never happened..
• Roaming. Because narcissists invariably make a good impression in the beginning, but lose it with increasing familiarity, there is a tendency to constantly meet new people, and leave people that are starting to react with less adulation. This keeps relationships always superficial. Narcissists milk the leeway given new people, and tend not to stick around for 'repayment' time. A 'fast-track' career or many 'stepping-stone' jobs may actually indicate this roaming tendency.
• Objectification of Others: Others are seen not as separate persons with separate desires and needs, but as means to an end., or ornaments reflecting upon the narcissist.
• Criminalizing the Needs of Others: Narcissists insist on the illusion of no problems and the illusion of no seriously unmet needs. When others ask for something, rather than just saying no, they tend to stigmatize the target as being selfish, uncouth, malevolent, making unnecessary problems, etc... At the same time the narcissist tends to deny his or her own needs and desires while steadily manipulating others to meet them! It is not possible to bring a grievance or complaint to a narcissist without being attacked strongly while the narcissist manages to position him- or herself as the aggrieved party.
• Inability to Cooperate: Cooperation obscures both status and attention. It is not possible to win or be in the spotlight while cooperating. Of course taking turns is difficult also. The uncooperativeness may be disguised for quite a while by the narcissist devaluing what the target asks for. In fact, it is not the intrinsic merits of the target's choice that has anything to do with the narcissist's refusal, but rather the mere fact it is the desire and goal of another. The target on the other hand, helps and complies with any of the narcissist's goals within reason. A lopsidedness is quickly established but the target erroneously accepts it as a consequence of his or her 'making bad choices,' or having bad ideas.
• Monopolizing Initiative. A narcissist wants to be the 'prime mover,' the source of direction in interpersonal affairs. Targets often come to try to anticipate the needs and wants of the narcissist, by doing or providing something unasked. This is already a dysfunctional adaptation, but the point of this section is beyond that. Miscalculations are always possible in this 'pleasing' maneuver, but with a narcissist, almost always he or she will act like they do not want what has been done or given, and that it is crazy of the target to think that they should. This happens even if the narcissist has shown an overwhelming preference and craving for what they now reject. Besides keeping the target off-balance, it reduces him or her to having to wait around to be told what to do, a very submissive position.
• Force Feeding: Narcissists want others to be pleased with them, but they will not pay attention or consider what others truly want, so others have to pretend to like what they get or risk being called ungrateful etc..
• History Wipe The present effect of past events resides mostly in feelings. Since with narcissism there is a denial of feeling, there is naturally also a denial that there is any residual left from past events even the very recent past. This can be so seamless that the survivor questions whether he or she remembers correctly or if the event actually happened. And of course, it is not possible to seek or obtain either validation or redress.
• Seduction: A seduction is a promise that cannot be kept. Most commonly, we think of seduction as romantic or sexual but it need not be. In narcissism, seduction may be premeditated but usually it is not. Simply carrying on with a too-good-to-be-true image and persona is seductive. All seductions end in suffering for the 'naive' party. Seduction occurs in business as well, and a lawsuit is not necessarily a remedy, since courts only enforce promises that can be kept.
• Bait and Switch: Many types of people are stingy and ungenerous consistently. What can be so seductive with narcissists is that they can be so generous and warm when they believe it will get them something (and of course stingy and cold when they believe it wont). The advanced part however, is that after an initial experience of generosity, they will turn cold. The target will respond to not getting anything by trying harder. It is as if the experience of being in the special circle is given and then snatched back. The target feels he or she is at fault. This keeps many people involved a long time. A variation is to give someone an opportunity to 'prove themselves' but then shut it down quickly, leaving the target hanging and desperate to prove themselves.
• Externalizing Problems. To the narcissist, the problem is always seen as completely outside his or herself. That means that anyone that is pointing out a problem becomes the problem. This differs from blame which is a less smooth externalization based on shame. With narcissism the externalizing is done without shame and often quite brilliantly and convincingly.
• Anxiety Dump Biologically, there is a calming effect that happens when we are around someone else that in that moment becomes anxious (This is different from being around someone who has sustained anxiety). In a supportive family or community, this can have a benefit, in that members can take turns 'losing it' (as long as boundaries are functional) Onlookers and helpers can be calm but they will also want to stay and help. This phenomenon goes wrong in 'rescuing' or co-dependency', however. It can go really wrong in narcissism when the narcissist works to get the target upset and then walks away, without helping, not just calmly, but even calmer then before.
• De-skilling Others. Narcissists quickly learn some questions or skills that others in a field are very likely not to know, for whatever reason. But instead of presenting these as 'advanced' or esoteric questions, the narcissist presents these as fundamental or essential. The effect is for the target to get unnerved and lose confidence, not only in his or her grasp of the subject in question, but in his or her ability to learn and carry on as a human. The basic shock tends to thicken the mind temporarily and produce halting speech and disorientation. The narcissist then presents him- or herself as someone who can be a magnanimous mentor and provide the expert help the target needs to regain competence. A variation is telling targets that an area of expertise the narcissist knows a lot about but the target hasn't even considered is essential. Another variation is treating the routine oversights or small mistakes that everyone makes as though they are representative of the targets overall performance. In de-skilling, an asymmetrical relationship is set up, and attention is kept away from the narcissist's overall results in the area, which may not be exceptional at all.
• Appropriating Credit Narcissists often take credit for the work of others. When they are involved in situation, they tend to style what happens as a successful innovation produced by them, even if it is just a routine or predictable result for the circumstances. This feeds the illusion that they are indispensable.
• Lack of Contact A common experience is being in a room with a narcissist and feeling like the narcissist feels he or she is the only one there.
• Lack of Principles By this I do not mean antisocial behavior. Narcissists can be 'very proper.' Rather I mean that professed principles, factual statements, and historical accounts etc can change at a moments notice to the opposite or anywhere in between. That is because the only principle is support of the self image. This is why narcissists get a reputation for lying. They do not believe they are lying, the self-image is felt to be the ultimate truth. Somewhat differently, a narcissist that is in a position of inspiring others will sometimes do so with inspiring cliches and truisms that do not define any real stance that can be put into operation. What is being promoted is an image, not a principle or practice.
• Difficulty Sharing Experiences or Pleasure Narcissists understand an exchange but do not understand sharing. Since love is based on pleasure shared, sex, celebrations, and joint recreational activities will never seem to work, however exciting the buildup, and even when all parties have sufficient means of enjoyment and there are no coercive aspects. Denial of feeling is also involved with this.
• Refusing Information: Narcissists seem only to 'take in' that information which is consistent with their wishes. The rest just 'rolls off' no matter how many times and how clearly it is repeated. Since most good-intentioned people try to influence by giving information, this is a way of refusing influence. Sometimes the narcissists 'get their way because targets are exhausted, and so start to limit themselves to only what is agreed to exist just to get along. Narcissists often refuse to hear "no."
• Sham Exchanges: Often a narcissist will request something from someone and offer a service or favor in return. This is hard to refuse because of the pull of reciprocity, and also, the narcissist's offer may sound fantastic. The target usually fulfills his or her part with alacrity, but the narcissist doesn't really try. If the narcissist is asked about it, he or she usually has actually forgotten, but will claim busy-ness or some unforeseen impediment. Because in life any single informal exchange (or sharing) does not turn out quite even anyway, the exploitatative nature may be disguised for a time until repetition makes things clear. A boiled-down example is the person that never picks up the check at a restaurant.
• Parasitic Relationships Narcissists will often date and marry someone with family money, a trust fund, etc... without feeling love. Expressions of feeling will be insincere, and unfaithfulness and secret relationships are common.
• Receptive Vacuum This is a higher level of refusing information. When anything is said, whether statement, question, or report, that the narcissist does not want to hear, he or she convincingly acts as though it was never said. This is very different from anger, disagreement, or even 'normal' invalidation. It can lead the speaker to wonder if they are sane or if they really spoke.
• Always Trying to Win: No one can rest comfortably around a narcissist because there is a tendency to make activities small or big into competitions or status transactions.
• Vanishing: This refers to making appointments and dates enthusiastically, or promising to be involved in something, but rarely following through or standing others up. This is because there was a reason to make the date at the time, but later the narcissist is on to something else, and does not consider the follow-through important.
• Unwilling to Fight: This may sound incorrect, given that narcissists are always trying to get their way and being upset when they don't. However, a good clean fight is two people struggling and competing around a conflict. A fight exposes the humanity and incompleteness of the participants. Instead, narcissists will intimidate or leave.

The Narcissistic Family System

In this concept, there are three roles, the narcissist, who acts as the 'definer of reality' or 'font of truth', the golden child, and the black sheep. The narcissist is the self-appointed sole authority on what is 'right' and 'good.' The golden child can do no wrong, the black sheep can do no right. Identical actions are treated differently depending on which child is doing it. The black sheep can specialize in either 'misbehavior' or 'failure and inadequacy' but his or her function is the same. In a nutshell, the idealized self-image of the narcissist is projected onto the golden child, and the disowned shame and faults are projected onto the black sheep. This replicates an internal split in the narcissist.

Black sheep, if not driven crazy, tend to go on to become very empathetic, while golden children, without necessarily going on to be narcissists themselves, tend to struggle with empathy. Sometimes the black sheep is a child and the 'golden child' is a grandchild, or vice versa. Narcissists often will try to 'take over' a nephew or niece or grandchild or grand-nephew or -niece to create this system. This can play out in a work-group of course. The narcissistic family system has some similarities with the alcoholic/addicted family system (explained within my page on addiction), and of course, the two often coexist and merge

 

Early Ways to Recognize Narcissism (Warning Signs)

• Too Good to be True: This comes from name-dropping, impression management, denial or concealment of struggle, and plain lying.
• Entitlement: This is expecting special treatment or expecting to be treated differently than others. At first this can seem like confidence, assurance, or enjoying the fruits of success, but time will show that it is out of proportion to contributions and devalues others. Another way to look at entitlement is that is expecting to receive that is divorced from what is happening in the relationship or with the other person. For instance the narcissist may expect to be well treated or served by a random stranger, someone he or she just insulted, or someone that has received bad news, etc.. This always leave an eerie feeling. The most popular entitled stance is victim, since it is both a social norm and an emotional impulse that victims be treated specially. One way entitlement plays out is the narcissist expects more than is reasonable from any exchange or deal where the the amount is not exactly specified or is based on 'how things go'. At settling time, the narcissist insists he or she has been cheated.
• Magnetism: This gives the immediate impression of specialness but it is not real evidence of that. It is built on extroversion, but derives from lack of self-doubt, concealment of actual concerns, disregard for social norms, entitlement, freedom from the worry of being consistent, implied promises, and believing appearances are the reality. In contrast, healthy people that are actually creative only come to seem special over time as one gets to know them. In other words, not only is magnetism not proof of emotional health, it is actually a sign of emotional unhealth.
• Blaming Others: There is a tendency to blame others not just for things for which the narcissist is responsible, but also for frustrations where no one is to blame. This is entitlement and externalizing working together.
• Self Involvement: A narcissist may be interested in others, but only as admiration suppliers or concrete suppliers. A tell-tale sign is that narcissists are not interested in what others are interested in. He or she may learn to mechanically ask about others' concerns but they will be clearly bored and switch the attention and focus back onto themselves quickly.
• Always Dominates Conversations Often brilliantly, so that on first meeting and for quite a while, one can be quite entertained, pleased, and impressed. However, if this is consistent, and has a certain 'pressure' to it, it can speak to a need to perform, or get attention. This tendency will spill over if any serious, personal, conversations are attempted.
• Generosity 'Out of the Blue': Sure there are people who are natural giving and warm but the beneficiaries of this are people they have already come to know and love. Narcissists on the other hand will use this as a seduction technique. If you don't know why you were 'singled out', then watch out!

• History of Re-Inventing Oneself: Productive people change jobs but tend to stay in the same or a related field to build on the past. Likewise, social groups change slowly but not all at once. With narcissism there is a tendency to change type of work (physicians may change specialties), location, hobbies, and 'friends' in one 'fail swoop'. In part this is because it is possible (the magnetism of narcissism may allow one to penetrate a new group like a hot knife in butter) but it is also because the previous group was catching on and 'comparing notes.'
• Denial of Struggle or Suffering: This is different than reluctance to discuss difficult times. It is the positive denial that suffering or difficulty ever occurred. Struggle or suffering is seen as a sign of weakness
• Easily Distracted from Productive Activity into Status Struggles: This is self-explanatory
• Lack of Empathy Empathy may be feigned since it is a social norm, but there will be lapses.
• Asymmetrical Relationships: Apart from parasitic relationships described above, narcissists will often get involved with subordinates, students, disciples, younger people, financially dependent people, or people who lack confidence. Alternately they may be attracted to very hierarchical organizations like police or military. Unless there are opportunistic reasons, they tend to avoid relationships with peers or others that are outside any status structure.
• Denial of Potential It has been noted that a pathological narcissist is always stumped by any question which presupposes potential, such as "What are your goals and dreams?" or "How do want/need to grow and change?" This is because it is not possible to be perfect and have potential at the same time.

Narcissists usually have at least one narcissistic parent or grandparent. Accurately complaining about mistreatment at the hands of another narcissist does not by itself indicate that the complainer does not him- or herself have narcissistic functioning. Two unrelated narcissists will tend to avoid each other but two narcissists related by family ties will be quite enmeshed if conflictual.
As mentioned above, the first tier of defense is often best staying at arms length, or not allowing oneself to be in a vulnerable position vis-a-vis the narcissist. That may not be possible if the narcissist is a family member, a co-parent, a boss in an otherwise great job, etc... In this second tier of defense, working with the narcissist, these are some incomplete ideas. They are not all meant to principles for general relationships (although none are by themselves toxic behavior) but rather special tools.

• Never Struggle This is possibly good advice for all relationships but is especially for one with a narcissist. As said above, a narcissist will avoid a good clean fight but will avidly engage in a prolonged power struggle. But in this case, instead of draining both parties, a struggle will drain you and feed the narcissist. Being able to use power tactics, even against resistance, is like oxygen to narcissism. Trying just to 'stay even' will suck you in.
• Never Argue Over or Discuss the Past Record: besides being crazy-making, it will never work to try to create a sense of obligation based on what has happened. Rather it will be turned around on you. Stick to present circumstances
• Appeal to Their Self-Image of Generosity or Magnanimity: Narcissists hate to comply with demands, but love to feel bountiful to others.
• Volunteer Yourself (or, Carefully, a Third Party) to Have the Problem: For instance start out "This has nothing to do with you but I need help with..." even when you think they are responsible for the problem.
• Do Reciprocity Right. It is natural to expect to be able to get something as well as give something in a relationship. Well-intentioned people often wish to give first and only receive later. This is almost automatic in relationships meant to be friendship or romantic, and in less close relationships, is still common, sometimes called a 'good will gesture'. However, with narcissism, there will be no natural repayment and if one is requested, the narcissist will receive the request as an offense. Exchanges will work but they must be more or less simultaneous, because to a narcissist, reciprocity only exists in deals, not in relationships.
• Say What You Will Do, Avoid Saying What You Will Not. That is, maintain your boundaries and refuse to be pressured into something you do not want to do. However, try to avoid saying 'no', which is often received as a gratuitous provocation or hostile act by the narcissist. Rather, think in terms of counter-offering what you are prepared to do. This applies to all irritable, uncooperative people.
• Employ Tokens. Tokens are things easy for you to give, and for which getting something in return is not important. Narcissists often like receiving even tokens because it is the direction of flow, not the actual good, which is important. It is frequently possible to substitute a token for what you do not want to do.
• Be Direct. In this one must choose battles carefully and be sure. But direct one must be, because narcissists simply do not get hints!
• Go Ahead and Stroke. The narcissism is already there, you cannot increase it. Once the narcissist no longer fears being devalued, he or she may listen.
• Praise Selectively: That is, since praise is listened to, praise the undistorted core intention of the narcissists behavior, or praise the effects, however minor, that you believe are positive. Narcissists want others to be pleased with them, and may provide more of what others like if it is not demanded.
• Refuse to Have Your Needs and Wants De-legitimatized: Refuse to accept the format of 'right or wrong' and instead be firm that this is something you want. That is, force a plain yes or no. Narcissists of course hate to say no because it is not in their self-image. This stance is more for your sanity and integrity than for results. This is a trickier tack to take than the rest, and by no means does it imply that general self-assertion is useful.
• Demand Upkeep: That is, explain that for you to take care of him or her, he or she needs to take care of you by doing 'x'. Because narcissists are usually good at taking care of their 'things' , this usually makes sense to them. Remember you are not pleading the justice of your case, you are demanding your due. Narcissists don't understand equity, they do understand (if not like) demands.
• Play Hardball: Narcissists count on others to not play by the same set of rules, so things shift quickly when they are dealt with in a non-trusting way. Because they tend to wreak their actions compulsively, they are often not 'well-covered' against real hard-boiled scrutiny. Of course, our culture tends to excuse a great deal if it seems aligned with ambition, and retaliation is a concern.

The 'Covert' Narcissist (Or 'Shame-Based' Character)

Although one idea implied in this discussion is that narcissistic functioning is not well recognized in our culture for what it is, there is a type of narcissism that only decloaks behind closed doors, and is therefore called 'secret' or 'covert.' The mistreatment is directed only at family members, or 'trapped members' of a social group. This is a manifestation in which the grandiosity doesn't get off the ground in a smooth way but still functions in the background, building tension and causing eruptions at 'acceptable' targets. The 'foreground' acted out by the covert narcissist often is a caricature, but a sincere one, of humility or reasonableness, because there is deep split or conflict that is not buried as it is with the more 'classic' narcissist. Therefore imperturbability or 'untouchability' is not so prominent. The covert narcissist:

• If working outside the home, often is in a service profession helping others, such as teaching, nursing, social work, ministry, etc.., or possibly in a subordinate position in an organization. In this setting there is some submission and graciousness, but great concealed resentment and envy
• If not working out side the home, often talks frequently about devotion to family, hospitality, and community building. Often there will be a lot of volunteering.
• Follows through very superficially with promises and commitments made in the course of roles described in the first two bulleted points above, while at the same time broadly accusing others of ingratitude.
• Rages at home very frequently. Keeps others walking on eggshells.
• Is preoccupied with his or her own needs and, at home, disparages the needs of others, and insists on precedence for his or her needs.
• When not working, spends almost all his or her time at home, which gives the impression of being devoted to family, unlike a classic narcissist who tends to roam. This, however, is really about being in the place he or she gets their narcissistic supply.
• Often is addicted or alcoholic

The concept of the covert narcissist is included in this page both because many of the effects on targets are the same, and because it helps to understand the growing literature on recovery from abuse. It is sometimes called 'shame-based' behavior. Survivors of a covert narcissist have a hard time getting support or validation since observers outside the family will believe the narcissist is as benevolent at home as he or she is in public. A covert narcissist is best recognized by difficulty with criticism, irritability, nervous family members, perfectionism, and blame. While there is entitlement, it is more of a variety where they feel they should get favorable treatment rather than feel they will get favorable treatment.

The Gospel

What does it mean?  How do I live as a Christian and what have I committed to?

These are all questions that have haunted me because I have misunderstood all along what this means.  I have seen God as a consultant in helping me to be righteous.  I have wanted righteousness because I felt it would benefit me the most  I wanted it all without having to sacrifice.  I felt like I could manipulate my way into getting everything I wanted and look like a great guy in doing so, all without having to sacrifice. 


The toxin of growing up in "church" is that all the rhetoric is twisted and misunderstood.  Especially through the mind and heart of a pre-pubescent sinner.  Operating from the perspective of getting what I want, when I want it.  The Gospel just gives a way of accomplishing this while being "justified". If I am using the gospel to serve my needs then I am manipulating the death of Christ in order to better my own condition. It is only when I stop caring about my own advancement and become obsessed with knowing and obeying the God of the universe that I actually begin to turn from sin.  When I start sacrificing my reputation, perks, advantages in obedience to God.  It is only then that I have really started to obey.


I am realizing that I am so far from this.  I can only really start following Christ and giving my life, when I become enamored and overwhelmed with his amazing love.  Otherwise I am using it to justify myself, I am using it for my own selfish ambition. People only give their life, out of love, never out of shame. If I am to give my life to Christ it is because I am convinced that he loves me more than I love myself. In doing so I am willing to do everything possible to know him and continually have him present in my thoughts and actions, so that my actions are surrendered to his.  My passions are surrendered to his.  My hopes are surrendered to his. My possessions, my relationships...everything!! I can no longer claim to have my own life, my life must be surrendered to God.


Brothers this is an impossible calling to live out on our own.  We have to really begin to push each other into quietly and radically giving our lives away...every moment of every day.